Great Eight III: Eight Celebrity Atheists

They have money, fame, some have STDs, but what they don't have is God, not all of them anyway. And rightfully so, I've never seen God going to a movie premeire, have you? He didn't even show up to Mel Gibson's Passion of the Christ, and that was starring his own son! Looks like someone isn't getting a Happy Father's Day card this year. Anyway, some celebs are perfect examples of God not existing because there's no way he'd let such chodemongers to become famous, others are proof of evolution not being nice to everyone. So here's today's blasphemous Great Eight, Eight Celebrity Atheists.

1. Patton Oswald ~ Patton's the greatest example of evolution. Or at least a monkey evolving into a really short comic book nerd.

2. Kathy Griffin ~ Kathy Griffin said she's getting more atheist because the world is getting more Bible-thumping. And just like she doesn't care about God, God and most of the planet doesn't care too much about her.

3. Rodney Dangerfield ~ He gets no respect, not even from that God dude. Now that he's dead he was probably reincarnated as a mosquito, which is better, most people like mosquitoes more than Dangerfield anyway. No respect I tell ya.

4. David Cross ~ He has the unholy curse of having David Cross's career, if that isn't proof enough that there is no God, then maybe Pootie Tang can cement that idea for ya.

5. Harland Williams ~ Perfect proof that intellegent design does not exist. If God was real, wouldn't Harland Williams have a chin too?

6. Lance Armstong ~ Old 'One Nut' isn't giving God any credit for giving him testicle cancer. Nor is he giving him credit for beating it. And those Tour De France wins, totally not God, that lighting bolt that killed all the other competitors that you rarely hear about was all Lance.

7. Angelina Jolie ~ Angelina Jolie is an atheist because... mmm... Angelina.... what was I talking about?

8. Jack Nicholson ~ The original Captain Jack and the LA Lakers' most famous fan is an atheist. If there turns out to be a God, when Jack gets to heaven I bet God will peak through a hole in the Pearly Gates and shout "HEEEEERE'S JOHNNY!!!" Both Jack and God will have a good laugh at this. Then Nicholson will be sent to Hell. God will be the only one to find that funny.

Great Eight II: Eight pick-up lines I'd used if I were an astronaut

I'm far from an astronaut, I have been called a space cadet though, but I figure astronauts need the lovin' too. It might be rare to see a spaceman in a bar or any other everyday social enviroment, they don't make to many of them afterall. I know if I were an astronaut i'd be using that to my advantage in the fine art of woman findin'. So, without any hilarious Uranus jokes, here's eight pick-up lines I'd used if I were an astronaut.

1. I'm not bragging, but, some people call me the space cowboy. ~ Not only a good Pick-up line, but that'd be an awesome lyric in a song.

2. Don't worry about burning upon re-entry, I have protection. ~ Even astronauts have to worry about STDs.

3. Nice space boots, wanna bang? ~ Well, they are really nice space boots.

4. In space no one can hear you scream my name in orgasmic utopia. ~ But that doesn't mean it never happened. But it probably didn't.

5. Ever expeirence zero gravity? And by zero gravity I mean 50 orgasms. ~ And of course by 50 orgasms I mean premature ejaculation followed by you making me a ham sammich. Hows 'bout it?

6. Mind if I park my space rover in your Sea of Tranquility? ~ If you don't know what the Sea of Tranquility is, it's this place on the moon, and the term the cool kids are using to describe the vagina these days. I dunno what 'space rover' means, but I'm sure it's pretty cool.

7. One small bang for man, one giant orgy for mankind. ~ I'm not sure how that's a pick up line, but hey, free orgy!

8. I have a diaper... Interested? ~ Apparently some astronaut lady stole this idea from me, not sure how that turned out for her.

Great Eight: Eight nursery rhymes that need a rewrite

Welcome to my newest blog feature, Great Eight. Every now and then I'll be posting a list of eight things that needs a good listin'. First is Nursery Rhymes that need a rewrite. Most of the nursery rhymes that we sang as kids were written many, many years ago. Back then one word might not have meant what it does today, like the word 'Gay'. Back then gay meant happy, and that was a totally gay thing for it to mean. So, in turn, what was written back then may have two meanings now, or at least something that needs updated. So here it is, eight nursery rhyme lyrics that need a long overdue rewrite.
1. Eeny, meeny, miny, moe, Catch a tiger by the toe ~ Any parent teaching this to a child should be slapped. It teaches children that all they need to do to tame a tiger is grab a toe, while the razor clawed other paw of the tiger is free to maul your child to death.
2. Birds of a feather flock together, And so will pigs and swine; Rats and mice will have their choice, And so will I have mine ~ This is totally about segregation. Thanks for taking us back to the early 1900's you nursery rhymin' bastard.
3. She'll be riding six white horses when she comes ~ I don't care what mountain she'll be comin' 'round, bestiality is wrong!
4. All around the mulberry bush, the monkey chased the weasel ~ I dunno if this rhyme is about rape or the writer's fear of Brazilian bikini waxes, but there will be no popping of weasels on my watch.
5. Ride a cock horse to Banbury Cross, To see a fine lady upon a white horse ~ Now I don't know what a cock horse is, but I don't think we should be approving the riding of them to our children. How about a nice pony instead?
6. I love little pussy, Her coat is so warm, And if I don't hurt her, She'll do me no harm. So I'll not pull her tail, Nor drive her away, But pussy and I, Very gently will play ~ Do I need to explain why a rewrite is so desperately needed? If it wasn't painfully obvious to you, here's why it needs rewriitten: warm and harm don't really rhyme all that good. I thought it was a 'nursery rhyme', not a 'nursery similar spelled words.'
7. Hickory, dickory, dock, The mouse ran up the clock ~ The author needs to spend a little less time writing nursery rhymes and a little more time shopping for mouse traps, or harder to climb clocks.
8. Little Jack Horner sat in a corner, Eating a Christmas pie. He stuck in his thumb and pulled out a plum, And said, "What a good boy am I!" ~ This doesn't even warrant a nursery rhyme. Pulling out a plum from a pie that most likely has plums in it isn't very impressive, Jack. Pull out a college scholarship, a good job, and a wife from the pie, then we'll talk about you getting your own nursery rhyme. Until then, keep your mouth shut and eat your damn pie.