Welcome to my newest blog feature, Great Eight. Every now and then I'll be posting a list of eight things that needs a good listin'. First is Nursery Rhymes that need a rewrite. Most of the nursery rhymes that we sang as kids were written many, many years ago. Back then one word might not have meant what it does today, like the word 'Gay'. Back then gay meant happy, and that was a totally gay thing for it to mean. So, in turn, what was written back then may have two meanings now, or at least something that needs updated. So here it is, eight nursery rhyme lyrics that need a long overdue rewrite.
1. Eeny, meeny, miny, moe, Catch a tiger by the toe ~ Any parent teaching this to a child should be slapped. It teaches children that all they need to do to tame a tiger is grab a toe, while the razor clawed other paw of the tiger is free to maul your child to death.
2. Birds of a feather flock together, And so will pigs and swine; Rats and mice will have their choice, And so will I have mine ~ This is totally about segregation. Thanks for taking us back to the early 1900's you nursery rhymin' bastard.
3. She'll be riding six white horses when she comes ~ I don't care what mountain she'll be comin' 'round, bestiality is wrong!
4. All around the mulberry bush, the monkey chased the weasel ~ I dunno if this rhyme is about rape or the writer's fear of Brazilian bikini waxes, but there will be no popping of weasels on my watch.
5. Ride a cock horse to Banbury Cross, To see a fine lady upon a white horse ~ Now I don't know what a cock horse is, but I don't think we should be approving the riding of them to our children. How about a nice pony instead?
6. I love little pussy, Her coat is so warm, And if I don't hurt her, She'll do me no harm. So I'll not pull her tail, Nor drive her away, But pussy and I, Very gently will play ~ Do I need to explain why a rewrite is so desperately needed? If it wasn't painfully obvious to you, here's why it needs rewriitten: warm and harm don't really rhyme all that good. I thought it was a 'nursery rhyme', not a 'nursery similar spelled words.'
7. Hickory, dickory, dock, The mouse ran up the clock ~ The author needs to spend a little less time writing nursery rhymes and a little more time shopping for mouse traps, or harder to climb clocks.
8. Little Jack Horner sat in a corner, Eating a Christmas pie. He stuck in his thumb and pulled out a plum, And said, "What a good boy am I!" ~ This doesn't even warrant a nursery rhyme. Pulling out a plum from a pie that most likely has plums in it isn't very impressive, Jack. Pull out a college scholarship, a good job, and a wife from the pie, then we'll talk about you getting your own nursery rhyme. Until then, keep your mouth shut and eat your damn pie.
1. Eeny, meeny, miny, moe, Catch a tiger by the toe ~ Any parent teaching this to a child should be slapped. It teaches children that all they need to do to tame a tiger is grab a toe, while the razor clawed other paw of the tiger is free to maul your child to death.
2. Birds of a feather flock together, And so will pigs and swine; Rats and mice will have their choice, And so will I have mine ~ This is totally about segregation. Thanks for taking us back to the early 1900's you nursery rhymin' bastard.
3. She'll be riding six white horses when she comes ~ I don't care what mountain she'll be comin' 'round, bestiality is wrong!
4. All around the mulberry bush, the monkey chased the weasel ~ I dunno if this rhyme is about rape or the writer's fear of Brazilian bikini waxes, but there will be no popping of weasels on my watch.
5. Ride a cock horse to Banbury Cross, To see a fine lady upon a white horse ~ Now I don't know what a cock horse is, but I don't think we should be approving the riding of them to our children. How about a nice pony instead?
6. I love little pussy, Her coat is so warm, And if I don't hurt her, She'll do me no harm. So I'll not pull her tail, Nor drive her away, But pussy and I, Very gently will play ~ Do I need to explain why a rewrite is so desperately needed? If it wasn't painfully obvious to you, here's why it needs rewriitten: warm and harm don't really rhyme all that good. I thought it was a 'nursery rhyme', not a 'nursery similar spelled words.'
7. Hickory, dickory, dock, The mouse ran up the clock ~ The author needs to spend a little less time writing nursery rhymes and a little more time shopping for mouse traps, or harder to climb clocks.
8. Little Jack Horner sat in a corner, Eating a Christmas pie. He stuck in his thumb and pulled out a plum, And said, "What a good boy am I!" ~ This doesn't even warrant a nursery rhyme. Pulling out a plum from a pie that most likely has plums in it isn't very impressive, Jack. Pull out a college scholarship, a good job, and a wife from the pie, then we'll talk about you getting your own nursery rhyme. Until then, keep your mouth shut and eat your damn pie.
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